Lanvender Memories!
by Aces n Eights
Summary: ‘Tell me you love me Derek.’ Meredith whispered, her breathing was shallow and restricted. There was blood everywhere as Derek held her in his arms. He nodded tears in his eyes. ‘I do. I love you.’ MerDer! CHARACTER DEATH!
1. The Life They'd Never Have!

**Lavender Memories!**

**A/N: WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH! This turned out much, much sadder than I expected it to be, actually it was supposed to be fluff!**

**Well guess how good that turned out?**

**Needless to say!**

**It's sad and you may need tissues!**

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!**

**Chapter 1! The Life They'd Never Have!**

They'd been fighting, he remembered that clearly. He didn't remember much except her face as she yelled at him, tears in her eyes. He remembered yelling back. He'd yelled at her that he'd broken up with Addison. He didn't remember much just yelling. He hated that they were yelling at each other when he should've been protecting her.

Things were fuzzy until…

**BANG!**

Meredith screamed and fell to the ground in pain. He turned to see her sprawled out on the ground; she was lying in a steadily growing pool of blood. Her blood. He rushed to her side and knelt down beside her. He reached down and moved her so he was cradling her head in his lap. The doctor in him knew you should never move an injured person unless you're absolutely sure you won't cause more injury but that part of him was drowned out by the love he felt for Meredith and how afraid he was for her. All he wanted to do was hold her in his arms and make everything ok. He wanted to be able to save her.

"Tell me you love me Derek." Meredith said, her voice reduced to a whisper because of the pain. Her breathing was shallow and restricted. Derek nodded, the tears in his eyes matched the ones in hers.

"I do." He said. "I love you Meredith." Meredith smiled shakily at him.

"I pick you, I chose you, I love you Meredith." Derek said crying. "I should have never chosen Addison, nothing was right about her. It was all wrong. It's you Meredith. When I'm with you everything is right. I love you Meredith. You've got to hang on ok?" Meredith's eyes dropped.

"No, no, no Meredith please stay with me." Derek begged. Meredith's eyes opened slightly. And she gave a small smile.

"You love me." She whispered. Derek nodded tears in his eyes.

"I do, I love you Meredith." He said. Meredith smiled and closed her eyes again. And just like that she faded away. The ambulance arrived to late, 5 seconds after Meredith had died. She was pronounced DOA, dead on arrival and the news was broken to her family and friends.

Christina had broken down in front of everyone, a sight no-one had ever thought they'd see and a sight they realised they should never have seen because Meredith was her person and she was Meredith's.

Izzie burst into tears at the news of losing Meredith, she collapsed into a chair. Meredith had let her and George move in, she had been their friend as well as their college, she was the world's nicest person and now she was gone.

Alex had remained silent and tried to help Izzie but inside he was hurt just as deeply as the others. He may not have been Meredith's favourite person and she wasn't his but she had been there for him, she was a good person and didn't deserve to have died when junkies, murderers, wife beaters or all of the other horrible type of people walked around breathing.

George had sat down in the chair, not saying a word, he was in denial. A few tears leaked out of his eyes when he realised it was true. He had lost his best friend and the woman he worshipped from a far.

Burke didn't know what to do, he just sat in chair thinking about the young intern who had had such a future ahead of her, he hadn't known her very well but what he had seen of her he'd liked. She was a wonderful person that he knew.

Dr. Bailey had done nothing at all but stand rooted to the spot, there was no yelling and no tears. The interns saw her for who she truly was, a small woman who was hit just as hard as any of them. They saw a woman who saw them through the hardest time of their careers and who couldn't believe that one of her own was gone.

The chief decided to ring Ellis even though she probably wouldn't know anything, she'd probably think of Meredith as a 5 year old girl and be shocked to see a young woman instead. But it was the best thing her could think of doing without breaking down. It would keep him busy.

And Derek. Well Derek didn't do anything, he sat on a chair, his eyes red from crying but he'd cry no more, no tears would come. He couldn't cry anymore. He'd done enough of that.

He wasn't in denial, he knew it had happened, we was there after all so he couldn't pretend it wasn't real. Even though he hoped it was just some horrible nightmare he knew the truth was it wasn't. He wasn't trying to stay strong for anyone like Alex was for Izzie. There was no reason to, there was no one to be strong for, not now Meredith was gone. he didn't think of the future Meredith had as a doctor like Burke was, he wasn't standing in the middle of the room being scene by the others for who he was and he wasn't ringing Meredith's family to try and keep busy. Derek was sitting in the corner of the room, his face in his hands. All he could do was think about Meredith. The times they'd had, the good and the bad, the things they'd done, sneaking around together, their fights, their laughs, their kisses. Everything. The things he change if he could. Most of all he thought about the life they could have had together.

The life they'd never have together.

**Well what do you all think so far?**

**There's more to come if you have more tissues!**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**

**Hearts hugs kisses and love!**

**JESSA!**

**xoxox!**


	2. Left Alone In The Darkness!

**Lavender Memories!**

**A/N: I want to make it very, very, VERY clear! I'm MERDER all the way! I didn't mean to kill Meredith but I did!**

**I feel like running myself down with a car… thanx for threatening me!**

**lol!**

**Nah it's all good!**

**But yanno this is the best response I've got to one of my stories ever!**

**So whatever works works huh?**

**This is going to have as much Meredith as possible!**

**And I'm sorry but I don't see how I can bring the dead back to life!**

**Derek is just going to have to learn his lesson and not take Meredith for granted in my other stories or season 3!**

**And be sure he won't!**

**Chapter 2! Left Alone In The Darkness!**

Suddenly Derek stood up and fled the room. He got into his car and drove, he found himself at the ferryboats, he smiled slightly as he thought of Meredith.

"_DEREK!" Meredith had squealed as she laughed while he spun her around in the rain. He had let her back down on the ground and she'd stood there smiling at him._

_Her hair was messy and stuck to her face. He had kissed her then and she had kissed him back. They pulled away and Derek had taken her hand and led her around to the ferryboats. She had laughed._

"_You really do like the ferryboats don't you?" she said smiling._

"_Not nearly as much as I like you." He'd said. Meredith had just smiled. She lent herself into him, placing her head on his shoulder. He had wrapped his arms around her and rested his head on hers. They stood in the rain happily, not caring they were getting wet._

Derek was suddenly overwhelmed with sorrow. He broke down and started to cry, his sobs racked his body as the tears fell down his face.

The sky had opened up and great big raindrops fell to the ground. Derek turned and walked away, not wanting to be there in the rain without Meredith.

He drove around aimlessly, not wanting to go home, he found himself driving past Meredith's house, now George and Izzie's house he told himself. He couldn't go there either, to many things that remind him of her, to many memories, the same reason he couldn't go to his trailer. He found himself at the hospital.

He walked around like a zombie, ignoring anyone who felt the need to come up to him.

He found himself an empty call room and shut the door, he climbed onto the bed and emersed himself in the darkness. He didn't know how long to was, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour, 5 hours, all he knew was suddenly the door was opened and Christina walked in. She shut the door and sat down on the bed opposite Derek. When she had opened the door Derek had seen her tear stained face and dishevelled hair. They didn't say anything for a moment, both silent.

"How did it happen?" Christina asked through the darkness.

"I don't know." Derek said. "We were fighting, yelling at each other. She screamed at me and I yelled back. Then I don't know what happened, I turned away and as I did there was a gunshot, she screamed, not at me this time, this time she screamed out in pain. I turned back and she was on the floor, there was so much blood, all around her."

He heard Christina sob at the news. He could make out the silhouette of Christina, shaking with sobs.

"I rushed to her and cradled her in my arms, she called out to me and…" Derek voice broke because of the emotion. He took a deep breath and continued.

"She begged me to tell her I loved her, I nodded and said I do." He said sadly. "She smiled slightly at me and I told her I pick me, I chose her, I love her. I told her about how I never should have chosen Addison, I told her how it never fel right with Addison, how it was all wrong, I told her about how when I'm with her everything feels right. I begged her to hang on, she smiled at me and said you love me, I nodded and then she faded away."

Christina and Derek both sat in the silence, not saying anything, but both crying. Christina wiped her eyes and stood up to leave.

"Thank-you." She said, as walked to the door and opened it slightly. She stopped at the sound of Derek's voice.

"I still love her." He said quietly. Christina looked back and nodded.

"I know you do." She said and then she left.

Leaving Derek alone in the darkness.

**PLEASE REVIEW!**

**hearts hugs kisses and love!**

**JESSA!**

**xoxox!**


	3. Image In A Photograph!

**Lavender Memories!**

**A/N: Here it is, Chapter 3, I'm sorry it took so long, I'm sorry if it sucks and I'm still extremely sorry Meredith's still dead!**

**Chapter 3! Image in a Photograph!**

_We never know how short life is until it's taken away from us, or those we love._

Derek woke up to the blinding glare of the sun through his blinds. He cursed and sat up, he hadn't moved since he had found his way home somehow, he didn't remember how that had happened all he knew is when he walked into his trailer he had collapsed into bed, unwilling and unable to move.

Cursing Derek got up out of bed and pulled the curtains shut across the blinds. He walked back to his bed, as he did he stubbed his toe against something under the bed. Sitting down he reached under the bed and pulled out what he'd hit. It was a small wooden box, Derek opened it and found the pictures he'd been looking for, for so long. They were all of him and Meredith, Meredith on her own, photos of everyone, happy. All the photos were happy.

Derek felt the tears fall down his cheeks as he looked through the pictures, it hurt so much to look at her face and know she'd never come back, it broke his heart to realise that the only time he'd ever see her face again was in photographs.

There were so many photos, so many memories, so many dreams. So many things that could never happen again.

He found a photo taken at a restaurant, one of the 'nights out' they had had together. Izzie, Alex, Christina, Burke, George, Calliegh, Meredith and himself were all sitting at a large table smiling and laughing, they all had their wine glasses full and their plates empty. They had asked their waiter to take a photo of them and he had.

There would be no more 'nights out' with Izzie and Alex sitting as close together as possible. Or with Christina laughing at something Burke had whispered in her ear. Or with George and Calliegh starring at each other happily. Or with him and Meredith at the end of the photo, she was laughing at the others while he starred at her, enrapt in her beauty. There would never be anymore celebrations to take photos of with him and Meredith, together, happy, alive.

It could never happen again. Not the same as it was.

He flicked through more photos; he found some from one of his and Meredith's dates.

Well some photos was an understatement, he'd used a whole roll of film on her. Derek dropped the photos back in the box; the box fell from his lap and onto the ground, spilling the photos everywhere. Derek lay on his back and let the tears fall.

"_Where are we going Derek?" Meredith asked as she moved her hands up to the blindfold._

"_Hey no peeking." Derek said smiling. He watched her as a smiled formed on her lips._

"_Ok." She said. "Give me a clue?"_

"_Alright then." He said. "You're going on a date with me."_

"_I know that." She said smiling._

"_Well that was a clue, it's not my fault you already understood that part." Derek teased._

"_So you're not going to tell me where we're going?" Meredith asked._

"_Nope." Derek answered. "But I will tell you we're almost there." Derek said._

_They'd arrived and Derek helped Meredith out of the car as she was still wearing a blindfold. He stood behind her and took off her blindfold._

_Meredith opened her eyes to see a romantic picnic laid out for the two of them. They overlooked the ferry boats out on the water._

"_Oh my God Derek!" Meredith exclaimed smiling. "I love it it's so beautiful."_

"_Good, that's what I was aiming for." Derek said leading Meredith to the blanket where they sat down._

"_Well you succeeded." Meredith said._

Throughout the picnic lunch Derek had taken a million photos of Meredith. And now they were all there, starring him in the face.

His heart broke each time he saw her face but he couldn't look away from her beautiful smile.

There were so many memories and so many photos.

The time they went to the zoo, two of Derek's nieces had come to stay and Meredith and Derek had taken them out to the zoo. He had somehow managed to take a lot of photos of Meredith that day too. She got on so well with both his nieces.

"_Meredith!" called the elder of his nieces, Lindsey. Meredith turned around._

"_Yeah Lindsey?" she asked._

"_What's your favourite animal?" Lindsey asked as they walked around the zoo._

"_Um… that's a good question." Meredith said. "I don't know. What's yours?"_

"_I like the elephant's best." Lindsey said smiling._

"_I like the monkey's bestest." The younger of Derek's nieces spoke up shyly. Meredith crouched down to her level as Derek and Lindsey walked ahead._

"_That's good, me and you are the same." Meredith said. The young girl smiled._

"_Really?" she asked._

"_Yep. I like the monkey's best too " Meredith said._

'_I'm glad we're the same." The young girl's name was Melinda but everybody called her Linnie. She was shy and quiet until you got to know her where as Lindsey was loud and outgoing anytime._

"_Linnie! Meredith!" yelled Lindsey and Derek/_

"_Coming." Meredith called back. She turned back to Linnie. "Want a piggy back ride?" Linnie nodded happily._

"_Yes please." She said._

"_Ok. Hop on." Meredith said. Linnie jumped onto her back and Meredith ran to catch up to Derek and Lindsey._

Derek smiled sadly at the memory, his nieces loved Meredith. They had insisted they were to get married.

"_Uncle Derek?" Lindsey said._

"_What's up Linds?" Derek asked from the back seat._

"_Can I be the flower girl at you and Meredith's wedding?" Lindsey asked smiling. Derek almost chocked on the drink he had taken a sip of._

"_What?" he asked._

"_Can I please, please be the flower girl at you and Meredith's wedding?" Lindsey asked again. Derek and Meredith looked at each other._

"_Um… me and Meredith aren't thinking about getting married right now." Derek said._

"_But I want you to." Lindsey said. Meredith bit her lip as she smiled. Derek sent her a 'this isn't funny, help me out' look but Meredith just bit her lip harder as she smiled. Derek shook his head and turned to Linnie._

"_Linnie you don't think me and Meredith are going to get married do you?" he asked, whenever Lindsey wanted something Linnie hated it. He was hoping on her having the opposite opinion once again. But this time Linnie shook her head._

"_I want you too." She said. "I like Meredith, she likes the monkeys best too." Derek was stunned._

"_See!" Lindsey said. "See! Now can I be the flower girl?"_

"_Meredith and I aren't getting married." Derek said._

"_But why not?" Lindsey asked._

"_Because." Derek said._

"_Mummy says because isn't a real answer." Linnie pointed out as she sipped her drink._

"_Because me and Meredith aren't getting married right now." Derek said._

"_How about tomorrow?" Lindsey asked. Meredith laughed this time unable to hold it in._

"_That wasn't funny." Derek said. Meredith shook her head._

"_Yes it was." She laughed._

"_Do you love Meredith?" Linnie asked. There was silence._

"_Who wants ice-cream?" Derek asked in a desperate effort to get out of the conversation. Luckily people under 10 are easily influenced by bribes and ice-cream._

"_I DO!" Lindsey and Linnie screamed._

"_Ok then." Derek said as they all stood up and started to walk, Lindsey and Linnie ended up running ahead to the ice-cream shop._

_After getting their ice-creams they went and sat down on a bench._

"_So are you guys going to get married before my birthday?" Lindsey asked as they sat down._

"_If me and Meredith ever get married I promise you and Linnie can be flower girls ok?" Derek said._

"_Ok." Lindsey said happily. Linnie tugged on Meredith's sleeve, Meredith looked down to the young girl._

"_Do you pinky promise and swear forever?" Linnie asked. Meredith smiled._

"_Of course I do." She said. Linnie nodded then happy with the answer she had received._

He remembered later when they were driving Meredith had teased him about the girls conversation.

_Meredith looked back at the Lindsey and Linnie who were asleep in the back seat._

"_Bribing the children with ice-cream." She said shaking her head and clicking her tongue. Derek looked over at her smiling._

"_Hey it's an oldie but a goodie." He said._

"_Well it's one thing to bribe them with the idea of ice-cream, it's a whole other ball game to have it fall miserably, be out money and have two hyped up sugar filled kids on your hands who are still asking you when we're getting married." Meredith teased. Derek laughed._

"_Well it worked in theory." He defended himself. Meredith smiled._

"_Something tells me nothing that's worked 'in theory' has every worked on these two." She said._

"_Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Derek asked._

"_Definitely a good thing." Meredith said. "Maybe not for their parents but it's still a good thing."_

_Derek smiled and nodded._

"_I'd have to agree with you there." He said._

Somehow any time he was with her except work he'd managed to get a photo of her, and now they'd all come back to hurt him it seemed. Seeing her happy smiling face in the photo just made it so much harder to realise that he wouldn't ever see her smile again.

He closed his eyes and tried to wish it away. Slowly he drifted off to sleep, still thinking of Meredith and her beautiful smile.

The photos reminded him of what could never happen again, they reminded him the past was the past and really would never be repeated.

But if there was one good thing about the photos it was that they were all of a happier side of Meredith.

At least she'll always be there, happy and smiling, the way he wants to remember her, at least that's the way she'll stay, always in the photographs.

**Sorry it's kinda short-ish!**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**

**It makes me feel all happy and fluffy!**

**Any thoughts? Comments? Critizism? Things you'd like to see?**

**ANYTHING AT ALL?**

**hearts hugs kisses and love!**

**JESSA!**

**xoxoxo!**


	4. The Denial Makes It Hurt More!

**This is for Nix! My amazing friend and fellow MerDer-er YAY!**

**Love ya!**

**Chapter 4! The Denial Makes It Hurt More!**

As he starred at her face he couldn't believe she was gone. And that was when he decided she couldn't really be gone. She was too young, too bright, she had too much ahead of her, she was too full of life to have been taken.

So that was it… she wasn't dead, she hadn't died, she was probably at her house asleep or in a surgery, helping and saving someone's life.

He just had to go to her house, then he'd see she was still alive.

It was so simple.

Derek looked around his trailer, Meredith would hate to see it in such a state. She wasn't a neat freak, quiet the opposite but even she would have a problem with it. And now that he 'knew' Meredith was obviously still alive so did Derek.

So he got up and put all of the photos of Meredith back in the box and then put the box under the bed. He then gathered up the bottles of alcohol and threw them out, coming back in Derek even managed to change the bed sheets.

Derek then realised he probably wasn't any better than his trailer had been. So it was into the bathroom. He showered and shaved, washed his hair and got dressed. He ate breakfast and brushed his teeth.

He got into his car and began to drive to Meredith's house. He stopped at a florist on the way and got Meredith the largest bunch of red roses he could find.

He got out of his car at Meredith's house and went inside, he knew how to avoid Izzie, George and the others that might be there, when he and Meredith had been dating he'd had to do it most nights.

He snuck into Meredith's room and looked around. It was empty, the bed unmade, clothes all over the floor, comfortable chaos he and Meredith had called it. And that's what it was. Meredith was probably in surgery Derek reasoned, she'd be home soon and they could talk. He sat on Meredith's bed, he was so tired. Maybe he'd just lie down for a minute. Derek lay on the bed and closed his eyes.

He wouldn't sleep for long, just enough to be refreshed for when Meredith came home. That's all.

Derek was woken up by someone shaking him.

'Meredith' he thought smiling. He rolled over and opened his eyes. Instead of coming face to face with Meredith as he had thought he would Derek found himself to be looking at Izzie.

"Izzie?" he asked confused.

"Derek." Izzie said gently.

"Where's Meredith?" Derek asked.

"Derek why are you here?" Izzie asked. "Asleep in Meredith's bed?"

"I know she'll be mad when she comes home but I was just tired and I figured I'd sleep for a little bit until I could explain that I love her." Derek said. Izzie didn't say anything but looked at him with, what Derek saw as pity and sympathy.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Derek asked her starring at her as though she had two heads.

"It's 8:00, Meredith isn't home Derek, she's not going to be." Izzie said.

"What surgery did Meredith have anyway? I mean it'd have to be a good one for her not to be home yet." Derek said.

"Meredith didn't have a surgery Derek." Izzie said, her eyes welling up with tears.

"Well then where is she?" Derek asked.

"Meredith's not in surgery, she's not coming home Derek. She's dead. She died, you know that, you were there." Izzie explained. Derek stared at Izzie.

"What?! NO! Don't be stupid, Meredith's not dead. How could she be? Look if she doesn't want to see me that's fine. I understand, I just want to tell her I love her. I don't have to right now, I'll see her at work, or if she wants I'll give her some time and space and then she can come and talk to me. But just say she doesn't feel like talking to me right now. How could you say she's dead?!"

"Derek, you were there. Meredith got shot, there was nothing we could do." Izzie said camly.

"There's always something." Derek protested lamely.

"Derek you've been in countless surgery's you know sometimes it's too late." Izzie reminded him.

"But not for Meredith." Derek said. "Not for her."

Izzie didn't have to say anything, the realisation Meredith was dead hit Derek like a ton of bricks. He broke down sobbing, his head in his hands.

"I just wanted her to be alive, I thought she was. I just wanted it to be a nightmare. Why did she have to die Izzie?" Derek sobbed. "Why? I love her, I just want to be with her."

"I know but you can't Derek." Izzie said comforting Derek by hugging him.

"What am I going to do with the roses?" Derek asked suddenly.

"What roses?" Izzie asked. Derek pointed to the wilted roses on the floor. Izzie didn't know what to say.

"Do you want to talk?" she suggested. "I could make you a coffee?" Derek shook his head.

"No thanks Izzie, I'm just going to go home." He said.

"Ok then." Izzie said and watched as Derek slowly got up off the bed, he picked up the roses and walked out of Meredith's room, with Izzie behind him.

George came out of his room and stood with Izzie. They both watched as Derek walked sadly down the stairs and out the door, the limp roses in his hand.

Derek drove to his trailer and walked inside, still holding the roses. He threw them against the wall and watched as the petals broke off and the bunch of stems, leaves and petals formed a pile of the floor.

They had once been beautiful and alive, just like Meredith, but now, like Meredith too, they were dead.

It broke Derek's heart.

**I hope you liked it!**

**I don't think I did but I wanted to get something out!**

**Sorry it took so long!**

**Hopefully it will get better!**

**Hearts hugs kisses and love!**

JESSA!  
xoxoxo


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